The Pride of Insecurity

I just finished reading a seriously incredible book. It’s probably in my personal top 5 now: Allison Vesterfelt’s “Packing Light: Thoughts on Living Life with Less Baggage.”

It’s the story of how Allison (Ally) and her friend Sharaya decided to quit their jobs and go on a 6 month road trip, visiting each of the 50 states. Ally writes that the trip was part of a dream for each of them (writing for her, singing/performing for Sharaya), how they got by, people they met, people they reconnected with, people and things they lost and lessons learned.

As if that wasn’t enough to intrigue me, (hello, blog post of a few weeks ago where I swoon about the idea of prancing on the west coast for 6 months) once I started reading this book, it was almost like I was reading words I could have written. It was as though I’d gone on the wild adventure I always convince myself wouldn’t be possible for someone like me, and I was reading the lessons I’d learn if I ever found the courage to do it.

So many things jumped off these pages and into my soul that I could probably blog for days on end about this book. But one of the most glaring was a particularly relatable diatribe of how Ally dreads the question: “What do you do?” She’s a twenty-something who has a dream of being a writer; who quit her job to travel the country with a plan to blog about it and write a book. Not sure any of this will pan out, she finds herself bogged down in insecurity about how to answer the question.

I get it. I quit my job, I’ve started a blog and I’m working on writing a book, too. No one is paying me. I have to set my own deadlines and goals. I worry about how others perceive what I’m doing. Do they think I’m just goofing off, wasting my life? Do they think I have nothing important to do because I’m not getting paid when I work at my craft? What do I even say when people ask me what I do? My answer to that question is usually plagued with insecurity, as I mumble something about reading, working out, cooking, cleaning and I’m actually, er, kind of, um, working on writing a book. (I’m silently lamenting how awkward I am in these conversations.)

Ally writes this about insecurity: “I wish I could pass off insecurity as a burden to bear and everyone would feel really sorry for me, but the more I think about it the more I see that my insecurity is really pride. My insecurity makes everything all about me.”

It hit me like a ton of bricks. Honestly, I’ve never really thought pride is something I struggle with.  And on the surface, many of us would think insecurity relates more closely to humility than pride. In fact, one of the easiest ways insecure people disguise their insecurity is in a fog of “humility.” For an insecure person, it’s easy not to take credit for something; not to call attention to yourself. It’s easy to brush off accomplishments by attributing them to someone other than yourself. Because we’re never quite sure we can hack it.

Perhaps the temptation to be an insecure person masquerading as a humble person is extra-easy to fall into for Christians. Because that “someone” we attribute everything to is God.

By no means am I saying that God isn’t involved in our accomplishments, nor am I saying He shouldn’t get any credit for them. Of course He should! I’m merely pointing out that TRUE HUMILITY is what God wants from us, and true humility is not insecurity. It’s not through self-hatred or self-deprecation that we ought to hoist our God onto His throne.

True humility says, “I don’t deserve anything God has blessed me with, but I’m so thankful for the life He’s given me that I want the decisions I make to reflect intense gratitude. I want to live life confidently in His love; sharing my blessings freely with others, in His name, to the best of my ability.”

So when I thought about insecurity as it relates to pride, I began to see it in a new light. I’m insecure at least twice a day – at least once about my physical appearance, and at least one more time about the question: “What do you do?”  When I am insecure, I am making everything about me. I’m comparing myself to others and either finding reasons why I’m not what I wish I was, or trying to make myself feel better. When I’m insecure, I’m elevating myself to a place of importance that I don’t even have! Do most people even care what I weigh or what I’m wearing or what I do with my life? Not nearly as much as I act like they do. Pride screams that it’s all about ME.

Ally writes, “There comes a point where we don’t need anyone to tell us who we are anymore, we just need to take the information we have and run with it.”

I think what she’s saying is…let the insecurity fall away. Trust that God made you who you

passion
Photo Taken: Cannon Beach, OR

are and put your passions in your heart. Recognize what makes you feel alive; look for the place where your passion and the world’s needs meet and go towards it. “Take the information you have and run with it.” Trust God for the rest.

It’s a freeing way to live, and one I know I need to reach for daily. And somehow, identifying the pride inherent in insecurity helps me put insecurity aside. It reminds me, “Hey, lighten up! Things aren’t all about you and you don’t need anyone to tell you who you are. God made you, loves you, and is in your corner. Run with it.”

 

Writing is Hard.

Anyone who is a writer, or who is attempting to write consistently will tell you it’s hard. It’s hard for different reasons, depending on what you’re trying to accomplish.

Back when I was working for my Dad’s small HR & Benefits Consulting Firm, I wrote all the time. I was writing newsletter articles, blog posts and drafting powerpoint presentations. And it was always a challenge to work with a small amount of space and dissect “insurance lingo” into easily understandable bits. Oftentimes, we’d attempt creative ways to avoid horribly dry and boring pieces – a near impossible task when you consider the subject matter. But I enjoyed those challenges, and I suppose that’s one of the things I love about writing.

Keeping up with this blog has been hard at times, too. When I was de-cluttering our home, going category by category, writing it was easier; more inspired. I had a formula of sorts, a purpose and specific thing to blog about.

Now, it’s just not as often that what I’d consider “blog-worthy” inspiration hits. Either that, or I’m just not always brave enough to share the deep, dark recesses of my mind with the interwebs! Nonetheless, when I do come back here, I always feel a little more accomplished, a little closer to being the writer I want to be, and a little more inspired to keep going.

Working on this novel has been hard. It’s overwhelming when you begin to see the magnitude of that which you do not know. You might say, well, you have a story and a general plot line – just write it!

But me, friends, I’m a planner. I like to be prepared. I don’t usually just dive into things without serious thought or research. (When I do, that’s called Jesus.) So that’s why I’ve read a book, countless articles and blog posts about being a writer, downloaded multiple character creation worksheets to help me through the research process, and have at least 3 sets of interview questions to deliver to various friends and family.

So yes, I have my story. I’ve named most of my characters, and I know who is related to who and how. But when I sit down to write, there’s a lot to be strategic about. It’s not flowing just yet.

I have to make sure I decide whose point of view I’m writing from in each chapter/scene/section, and I cannot violate that point of view. For example, If I’m writing from Jenny’s point of view, she might see a look on Jimmy’s face, but she cannot know what he is thinking.

I have to write and re-write dialogue between characters, because it has to sound the way actual human beings talk. Further, I have to make sure the dialogue of different characters SOUNDS different and memorable, so my reader can easily identify who is talking, even before I write, “Jenny said”. Do you know how hard it is to NOT make every character just sound like…you? I have to consider their professions, education levels, accents and emotional state – all things I’ve had to make up (and keep track of!) along the way. It’s hard.

I must do my best to “show” my reader who my characters are and why they are the way they are. I can’t just “tell” those things in long, drawn out paragraphs that put a stop to the action of the story. How do I let my readers know, in an organic way, that my character is a control freak who has trouble trusting people without just saying it? I have to find creative ways to SHOW these things, through dialogues, scene descriptions, and other character’s points of view.

The time it takes to plan out and write a book is daunting. I’ve done so much, and yet I’ve barely begun, barely scratched the surface of all there is to know. Established writers have “a process”. I don’t yet. But I’m trying to. I’m trying to

dont give up on dreams
Photo Taken: Mountain Park, GA

write every day, add more structure to my writing sessions and set new writing goals for myself.

After all, the only way this thing will ever get done is if I keep chipping away at it; keep working on it a little bit at a time. Perhaps I need to let go of my strategic writing and just let it flow some days. They’re just words typed on a screen – I can go back and change them a million times if I so desire.

I’d be lying if I said I haven’t already felt fear creep in and suggest that I stop. But fear is like that, it comes quietly and plants little doubts in your mind. And over time, if you don’t replace those doubts with affirmations, they snowball into something bigger, something harder to dispose of.

One of the things I love about writing is that it keeps me accountable. Declaring that the fears have come, and calling those fears out here has already made me feel lighter and more determined.

After all, dreams don’t typically manifest themselves from nothing and fall into your lap. No; you must work for them, chase them, and fight for them. Sometimes, you let them go and sometimes, you rediscover them. And there will always be reasons NOT to do something your heart wants to pursue. But you should always believe that what lies deep in your heart is worth the fear you must overcome to be true to it.

 

Living Lightly

One of the minimalist ideologies that most deeply resonates with me is the idea of “living lightly.”

For some, this might mean traveling the world with just a backpack that contains all your worldly possessions. For others, it means downsizing significantly (which of course means different things to different folks!). It’s another one of those terms that varies based on the person, and I’m still learning what it looks like to live my life lightly.

But I like think of it as the feeling of being on vacation and living out of a suitcase.  I love arriving somewhere new, unpacking my small pile of clothes in the hotel closet and living light for a few days. It’s a lot easier to get dressed in the morning, choose makeup & accessories and go because I am not burdened by choice. Perhaps, for me at least, it’s one of those things that makes vacation a little bit more relaxing and stress-free.

Husband and I recently returned from an amazing trip out to Oregon. If you’ve never been, I highly recommend it (picture proof below)! Even though we packed a lot into our 5 days, including 3 different hotels, it felt great to throw a “just right” amount of things into my suitcase and jet off to the next place. Now that’s living lightly. And to me, the freedom of it is utterly addicting.

DSC_0874
This friendly bee let me get super close with my fancy new camera! Thanks, bee.

While I LOVE seeing new places, I’ve never been a fan of the actual “getting there” part. In fact, I used to have to pop a Valium in order to get on a plane at all. A couple of years ago, I felt led to work on that. Lucky for me, Husband was traveling a lot for work back then so I had the opportunity. I was able to go with him on a few trips and we had a lot of weddings to go to that year as well; many of which were out of town.

This was well before my minimalist journey began, but to be honest, I think all the traveling we did taught me my first minimalist lesson about the joy of living lightly (although I didn’t know it at the time!) I also learned that there’s really no better way to get over a fear than to jump right into it and just do it. Like, a lot.

I still feel some tinges of nerves before a long-ish flight. But feeling relaxed on our flights to and from Oregon was glorious! It’s an incredible feeling to be on the other side of a fear that was once so crippling.

And even though I can’t declare complete victory over travel fears after this one trip, I now have some major wanderlust. This probably sounds crazy to some people, but I’ve never actually thought this fear was something I could get over; that I’d actually feel free to GO.

And the idea of traveling more has me thinking more about just how lightly I might be willing/able to live.

This past weekend, Husband and I went to a Tiny House Festival just east of Atlanta in Decatur. I cannot tell you how much I LOVE the spirit of Tiny House living.

Buying it outright; not living life with mortgage debt hanging over your head…ability to move freely (if you have a tow-able tiny house on wheels!)…a decision to live with ONLY what you really need because there’s literally no room to pile up un-needed and un-used STUFF. Freedom!

But actually LIVING in a tow-able space is another thing altogether. (Especially since we NEED a king size bed, and we have a menagerie of animals to consider.) But this is part of the reason I wanted to stand in one in real life! It’s the reason we stood in line to get into the festival for like 30 minutes, then stood in line for probably another hour (in the oppressive Georgia heat) just to get to walk through 2 of the 8-10 tiny houses on site.

Sadly, once you’re in there, you really don’t have time to linger for very long, or get a real feel for what it might be like since there are a bunch of strangers in there all trying to see it too. But I’m still glad we went; it was fun to see them in person!

At the end of it all, I’m still not sure I could live in one forever. But man, it would be fun to live REALLY light for 6 months to a year and have the freedom to explore more of God’s beauty with a tiny house in tow.

In any case, I can’t wait to travel again. I am still building up the courage to go overseas, but in the meantime, I have a whole laundry list of beautiful places I want to visit in the ‘ol US of A.

  • Washington State, including Mt. Ranier/state parks, the San Juan Islands and Washington wine country
  • California Wine Country: central coast, Paso Robles, Napa, Sonoma
  • A road trip up hwy 101 and/or the PCH…all the way from Seattle to San Diego
  • Southern Oregon coast, Crater Lake
  • The Coast of Maine/New England
  • Martha’s Vineyard/Cape Cod
  • Glacier National Park in Montana

I’m sure I could go on and on. I’m in love with nature, what can I say…it’s always been so spiritually uplifting to me. And the coast, obviously. SIGH. For now, I will say that I’m very thankful for our home, our animals and sleeping in our own bed. Even if it is hotter than the pits of hell outside. 🙂

Here’s to living lighter and lighter,

S

 

 

 

Practice What Matters

Just over one year ago today, I made a huge change and left my job to “take a year off and see where the good Lord leads me.” And what a year it’s been.

Many things changed over this past year. It was scary at first, taking such a big leap. It was hard and I spent a lot of time feeling guilty over it. Yet I knew, deep in my soul, that I was doing what I was supposed to be doing.

I was a good 8-9 months into my year away from work before I had the faintest glimmer of

live an authentic life.jpg
Photo Taken: Gibbs Gardens Manor House – Ball Ground, GA

what I might actually be meant to do. But those 8-9 months were crucially important because of the things I learned and the ways God changed my heart.

In a way, leaving my job was the first huge step in my personal journey of simplification. Back then, Husband and I had a big dream of moving out to California. I thought about it a lot. Too much, honestly! So much, sometimes, that it caused me great discontent because I was still here in Georgia instead.

And even though I hadn’t yet learned to be thankful enough or content enough with the beautiful life I already had, that too was an important part of the journey. A major impetus to my purging and donating of stuff was the idea that I “wouldn’t want to move across the country” with many of the items I was choosing to part with.

Thankfully, something quite different emerged than discontent and preparing myself for a move that we didn’t end up making.

Somewhere along the way, I began to realize that I’d been holding onto a lot of stuff that would be infinitely more useful to someone else. I realized how selfish I’d been; how I needed to emanate gratitude instead of my own personal desires.

I started this blog to document this journey of simplification and re-discovered my love for writing. I said out loud that I’d always wanted to write a book. I even started writing a little something about my own life and struggles with fear/anxiety.

But recently, I’ve felt pulled into a different book direction: fiction. I’ve been away from

character development
The joys of the character creation worksheet!

here because I’ve been immersing myself there. I’ve been reading about writing fiction and developing good characters and elements of a good plot line.

I’ve been plotting my plot and asking friends if I can build pieces of their unique and beautiful lives into my characters.

I have no idea what will come of this. But I am going to write it. And I am going to be more diligent about coming here to write, too, because making time to practice the things that matter to us ensures we’re living authentic lives.

I’d still love to live in California someday. But the circumstances in which I find myself really shouldn’t matter. Writing and reading and cooking and taking pictures are important to me; my faith and friends and family and pets are important to me – so I’m planning to practice doing and loving each of these to the best of my ability.

The Art of Abandon

As I’ve continued to read about and pursue minimalism in my life, I’ve found that it beautifully complements and encourages what I’ve been learning in my faith walk as well. In fact, I’d say these days, the two are deeply intertwined.

Letting go of material possessions and learning to hold loosely to the things that remain has me viewing my own faith in new light. It has me holding myself to a higher standard than I used to and questioning my motives. It has me fired up about how many of us might be missing out on the joy of a simple life; a life of real, full, joyful abandon to our God. A life that isn’t searching for security or happiness in the things of this world, but finds joy in the beauty of the present moment. True contentment.

Since I began my own version of this journey, I’ve become increasingly wary of and skeptical of the pursuit of material possessions. I’ve also realized the many, many ways that I (and tons of other Christians) justify these sorts of pursuits. In fact, the message that we all need something bigger, better, or more is so ingrained in most of us that we barely have the ability to recognize it. We work hard to afford all the things we think we need.

Far beyond material possessions, we all get so bogged down in OUR lives and OUR wants and OUR finances and OUR dreams and bettering OURselves and OUR everything that we forget there’s a greater purpose to life than US. My biggest beef with a lot of the literature on minimalism (and even a lot of what I’ve heard in church culture) is that it subtly encourages selfishness. Today’s world encourages far too much focus on ME. This too is such an integral part of our culture that we hardly notice this preoccupation, either.

Without intentional vigilance, we become shackled and consumed by our stuff and by our own concerns. We forget that life is about our Creator, and not what He can do to help us achieve our wants. We want to control our lives. We forget to let Him control, to hold loosely, to be “cautiously carefree.”

My favorite morning devotional is “My Utmost for His Highest,” written by Oswald Chambers. I love it because it’s not all fluff. It’s real, challenging, and causes the best kind of uncomfortable soul-searching for Christians.

Monday’s devotional said, “Have you ever noticed what Jesus said would choke the Word He puts in us? Is it the Devil? No – ‘the cares of this world’ (Matthew 13:22). It is always our little worries. We say, ‘I will not trust when I cannot see’ – and that is where unbelief begins. The only cure for unbelief is obedience to the spirit. The greatest word of Jesus to His disciples is ‘abandon.'”

This is so timely and practical for us, Christians. Ultimately, our attempts to control our lives shut God out. Ultimately, control is unbelief – a huge sin. I think many Christians have decided to serve a very small God. We aren’t abandoned. We’re holding on tightly to things, beliefs, ideas about how we think our lives ought to turn out, our problems, our frustrations, our looks…the cares of this world.

We forget there is a world after this one; that our hope comes from Him alone.

In a fantastic message this Sunday, our pastor gave a list of 4 specific things we do that incite this conflict with God and spark His wrath:

  • We suppress the truth
  • We stop seeing God in creation
  • We don’t give thanks
  • We buy into the religion of “me”

How much of this do we see in ourselves, in our actions? Are we letting the Truth of God’s Love flow through us? Are we actively looking for His love all around us? Are we thanking Him for everything we have (and don’t have)? Is our religion more about ourselves and what we want than it is about Him and His purposes?

As pastor Alan said, we have over-desires. It’s the culture we live in, it’s the insidiousness of being too focused on ourselves. And in Romans 1:18-25, we see God giving people over to their desires, in hopes that they, that we, will return to Him when that thing we want or think we need doesn’t satisfy (because it can’t).

The mere idea that God would “give me over” to some earthly thing I desire because He wants me to find it void, and return to Him is terrifying to me. I hope I never hold onto any care of this world that tightly.

The cares of the world scream at us, pull us this way and that, promising to eventually

cautiously carefree
Photo taken: Gibbs Gardens, Ball Ground, GA

make us feel peaceful, feel at home. But nothing on this earth can do that. Nothing here can fulfill that longing we have. That is the hope of Heaven!

Let’s stop pursuing it in our material possessions. Let’s stop pursuing it in our relationships. Let’s stop pursuing it in our worldly accomplishments, in a quest for perfection or in the way we look.

Again, I go back to Oswald Chambers as he writes, “Jesus did teach that His disciple must make his relationship with God the dominating focus of his life, and to be cautiously carefree about everything in comparison to that.”

So Christians, let’s keep asking ourselves: what is the dominating focus of my life? What do I spend most of my time thinking about, doing, talking about, writing about, reading about? Is it my relationship with Him? Or is it the cares of the world?

Let’s be vigilant; aware of the culture around us – both inside and outside the church. We will never be perfect, but we must strive to be holy in our relationship to Him. Let us hold loosely to all else; cautiously carefree and abandoned to His will alone.

 

Today, Smile at Someone.

There’s a cashier named Wanda that works at our neighborhood Publix grocery store. Every time I am shopping there, I look for her when I’m choosing a line. She’s got this incredibly warm, bright and happy way about her.

Today, I got lucky and ended up in her line. She cheerfully said hi; I told her hello and how much I love that she always has a smile on her face. She said that she loves her job; loves “making a difference.”

Then, she told me a story. A woman came in once and Wanda was her normal smiley, chatty self. The woman smiled back as Wanda talked and rang up her groceries. The woman walked away.

On the surface, this sounds like a non-event. Someone smiled; someone else smiled

talk to people
Photo: Tybee Island, GA

back. But a few minutes later, Wanda said the woman came back and thanked her for making her smile. The woman told Wanda that she hadn’t smiled in over a year because her daughter had been murdered.

Isn’t it amazing that a simple smile can change someone’s day or provide a moment of relief to someone grieving? It takes no time, effort or money to smile at someone. Even if you don’t feel like smiling, do it anyway. Smiling will make you feel better and may have a much larger impact on someone else than you realize.

I don’t know about you, but Wanda’s little story gives me chills when I think about it. It makes me want to be a better person. It confirms all the reasons we shouldn’t be judging others, and all the reasons we ought to look away from ourselves and up from our phones. Make an effort to talk to the wonderful people you encounter in seemingly mundane places and for goodness sake; SMILE!

Therefore, GO

Part of this process of simplifying life involves taking a hard look at myself and my habits. This means I must be willing to confront ugliness and disobedience to God in myself.

I used to think way too much about myself and what I wanted. God has been changing my heart in big ways, and I am so thankful to Him for that. After all, if I am to place Him above me, I want and need Him to shine a light in my darkest places.

As a Christian, the idea of dying to self and living for Jesus is not new, but in this journey it’s becoming more real and tangible. I must become less, He must become more. Giving away material possessions and the resulting desire to have less rather than more encourages me to look up rather than in; encourages me to lower self and elevate Him.

Of course, I am far from perfect and still tempted to spend too much time thinking about me. The very hardest thing to let go of is your own life-in complete abandonment to what God has planned. But His will is best, not mine. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future.”

Likewise, the notion that as believers, we are called to tell others about God is nothing new. And I think this command can look very different in different people’s lives. But the fact remains that if we are not telling others about Jesus, we are not being obedient.

Matthew 28:18-20 says: “Then Jesus came to them and said, All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

Therefore, GO. This is part of God’s will for believers. What does GO look like in your life? In mine? I believe the Lord will show us if we will only give up control and let Him. Today, GO might look like sitting in the quiet and writing. Tomorrow, GO might look like inviting a friend that’s struggling to dinner or coffee. Next year, GO might look much bigger or much different. Regardless of what GO looks like each day, month and year, God promises to be with us. That is great news!

And as I learn and practice simple living one day at a time, I find it easier to be present in the present, not wishing or worrying about tomorrow’s GO. Of course we can’t take day-to-day living to an extreme; some planning and thoughtfulness about the future is certainly not wrong. But it becomes a hindrance if we do it in excess. There is a difference between obsessive planning and an unyielding adherence to our own idea of what God is going to do vs. trust, patience and flexibility.

see blessings
Photo: Taken en route to Riviera Maya, Mexico

This is something I have to be very diligent about, given my propensity to control. The practice of letting go has never come easily to me. Perhaps that is the reason I feel compelled to pursue it now.

I would encourage finding ways to let go. What are you holding tightly to that might need to be abandoned back into His care? Take a break from worrying, take a deep breath and see all the blessings you already have. Look at the life God has given you with fresh, thankful eyes. There’s always something to be thankful for.

Remember that feelings are fickle and it’s a choice to indulge in the negative ones. As a fantastic article I read this morning pointed out, “You can stop complaining about your life circumstances, about your losses, about how the world is, and just let go and love what is. Just be. Just accept. Just appreciate.”

You have all you need to enjoy today. Practice looking up instead of in and be flexible enough to go where He leads, when He leads.